Wedding photo norms

(Column 3 final draft)

Wedding photo norms: porn star stepmoms, drunken grandparents and pregnant brides

If you ask a wedding photographer to define the phrase ‘dysfunctional family’ I think you would get something like this: “well first, each set of parents has to be divorced. The mother will be remarried and the father will be dating a 20-something-year-old with a fake tan and other unmentionable fake parts. The mother of the groom does not get along with the father of the groom anymore - the last time they were together she sucker punched him in the beer belly. There has to be at least five children out of wedlock between the bride and groom. The bride is currently six months pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s third child. That is the definition of ‘dysfunctional family.’”

Dysfunctional families were the norm at the photography studio I worked at for two years. Every week I would consult with that weekend’s bride about the family situation in order to get a count on the number of family photos we would have to live through. After the consultation, I would spend a couple tedious hours creating the checklist before I would need hard liquor.

After working there, I learned to value my functional family. Sure we have a couple crazies here and there, but we hide them under the rug. However, some families don’t know how to hide their dysfunction.

My TMI (Too Much Information) bride told me her stepmom was a porn star and her 13-year-old sister was pregnant. The NEI (Not Enough Information) bride forgot to tell me her dad’s new wife had four children, none of which got along with each other so they all had to be photographed with the family separately.

Thanks to dysfunctional families, many couples were forced into bigger wedding packages. If there was one divorce it added at least 15 photos. Combine biological Mom and Dad, then biological Mom and stepdad, then biological Dad and Dad’s girlfriend, and then some without Dad’s girlfriend because she’s just a tramp and no one likes her so we are just including her to be nice but we really aren’t going to buy those photos. If there were any children from the bride and groom that added at least more 10 photos. My favorite bride and groom had two children, each from other relationships, one child together and another one on the way (six weeks away from giving birth).

The day of the wedding was different. I absolutely loved the weddings where the wedding party, including the dysfunctional parents and grandparents, would get completely schnockered before photos. This was my boss’ worst nightmare but I loved it. Being tipsy made everyone so much easier to work with. Granted, I had to physically help the ladies and gentlemen up to the alter, but after that they didn’t go anywhere. They already had a dumb smile on their face from the alcohol, so I didn’t have to make lame jokes about the groomsmen to get anyone to smile.

So if you’re planning a wedding remember this - while you’re running around to the florist, DJ and caterer, make sure you stop by and tell the wedding photographer how dysfunctional your family is. The photographer will act as though a stepmom who is a porn star and fighting parents are everyday news. Well, let’s face it; dysfunctional families are everyday news in the wedding photography business.