Final project...whoo hoo!

Movie review: Beer for my Horses

If you think “Beer for my Horses” is a movie just for rednecks who like watching cowboys sling guns at the OK Corral, think again (and if you don’t know what the OK Corral was, just stop listening now). “Beer for my Horses” is an action-comedy that has something for everyone. This movie comes alive with a cast of country music stars and a comedian who sings about “Titties and Beer.”

Country music sensation Toby Keith stars alongside stand-up comedian Rodney Carrington, both of whom wrote the screenplay for the movie. Rocker Ted Nugent also stars in this made for CMT (that’s Country Music Television for any of you city slickers) and DVD release in 2008.
The director of “Beer for my Horses,” Michael Salomon, has a long record with CMT. He has directed numerous music videos, including ones for rock band Metallica.

“Beer for my Horses” characters Rack Racklin (Keith), Lonnie Luther Feldman (Carrington), and Skunk (Nugent) play small town deputies who run into big time trouble when a drug cartel abducts Racklin’s girlfriend. On their way to Mexico, the trio runs into a traveling circus that is led by none other than Willie Nelson, who coincidently sang a duet with Keith called ‘Beer for the Horses’ in 2002. David Allan Coe, who sang the songs ‘If that ain’t country, I’ll kiss your ass’ and ‘Take this job and shove it,’ stars as a gypsy in the traveling convoy.

The convoy teaches the deputies about danger and how it is just an illusion. But when danger becomes a reality, it must be met with an illusion. This lesson comes in handy when the deputy trio is up against the drug cartel.

“Beer for my Horses” is a combination of edge of your seat anticipation, unpredictable characters, redneck pick ups with 45 inch tires (those are really big tires, again for you city slickers), a hooker (or a good Christian woman) named Harveyetta, and a rendition of ‘Shout’ in an interstate rest stop that will have you roaring in laughter.

The movie also debuts some of Keith’s latest music, which mirrors his music from the 1990s, pure country and twang. Carrington’s buttery smooth voice is also showcased during his duet with a group of thugs and his famous comedic songs that play throughout the movie.

The odd duck in the cast, Ted Nugent, shows off his machine gun shooting, archery shooting and rock slinging skills as he takes down one law breaking person after another. Although his presence in the movie is silent (literally, he doesn’t say a word until the very end), his role is unmistakably brilliant.

Since most of the cast specializes in music or comedic stand up, the actors deliver convincing performances. Carrington’s facial expressions, which are funny even on a bad day, are even more hilarious as he tries to learn Spanish and dance and sing with thugs. On the other hand, this is Keith’s fourth made for CMT movie. In 2006, he starred in the drama “Broken Bridges.”

“Beer for my Horses” is a sure fire comedy that plays into the average hard-working individuals psyche. So pay attention all you city slickers, you may be entertained by this action-comedy movie that you thought only rednecks like me would enjoy. As we would say in the country, “this movie is just neater than a skeeter’s peeter on a hot summer’s day.”

For better or worse

After two months, and two temporary jobs, my husband has had it with unemployment. I currently work three jobs to make up the slack plus go to school full time. However, it is another full-time job in itself to keep my husband’s spirits up.

Every morning the following routine happens:

6:30 a.m.: I wake up and get ready for job #1. By 8:15 a.m., my husband rolls out of bed.

Husband: Are you goin’ to work?

Me: Yep. What are you gonna to do today?

Husband: Nothin’.

Me: Ok, I’ll make you a list. It’ll be fun! There is so much to do around here (here being our tiny house/apartment/living quarters)!

Husband:

Me: Ok, do this, this, this, run here and get that, call him, pay the bills, talk to the landlord about the leaky toilet/faucet/shower/washer/kitchen sink. Feed the cat, there’s leftovers in the fridge for lunch.

Husband:

Me (teasing): Don’t smile or anything.

Husband: I wasn’t planning on it.


Get my point?

Weekends are my only salvation from the ho-hum routine that consumes me Monday-Friday. Saturdays and Sundays are the only days I really have time to go out and do anything fun with my husband. By having time I mean making time. I do homework until late at night into early parts of the morning so I have that time during the weekends to spend with him. I know he hates that I am busy and he is not.

I have done my best to keep his spirits high during the past couple of months. We can only hope together that a job will be just around the corner that will work out for him. For better or worse, I took him to be my husband 7 months ago. However, this is not ‘worse.’ Our lives could be much worse than what they are right now.

Go Miss Cali!

I’m sure you have all heard about the Miss California and Perez Hilton matchup. Miss California was asked a question regarding same sex marriage by Perez Hilton during the final 5 of the Miss USA competition. Miss Cali responded with her opinion because that is what Perez asked of her. Perez was offended by her opinion and went on to call Miss Cali a “stupid bitch” the next day.

All I have to say is this: Thank God there are still people out there like Miss Cali who aren’t afraid to express their opinion. She wasn’t worried about being politically correct. She shouldn’t have been – Perez asked for her opinion and she gave it to him.

Minorities have been fighting for so long to have a say in society. Now those minorities are stepping all over the majority. The minorities now are offended if part of the majority does not believe the same thing they do. Well guess what everyone, we don’t all have to agree on the same thing. We can have our individual thoughts and opinions and still get along! We are entitled to that. No one says we all have to think the exact same thing in the exact same way. Having our own opinions is what makes America so great. We are able to share our opinions with each other and learn from one another.

That’s not to say that no one should get offended. If someone gets offended it’s just because he or she believes strongly about a certain subject. However, calling someone a “stupid bitch” is childish and uncalled for. Instead, Perez should have just shared what he thinks instead of resorting to elementary name calling.

I think Miss Cali is taking the heat from Perez in stride. I commend her for speaking her mind.

Wedding photo norms

(Column 3 final draft)

Wedding photo norms: porn star stepmoms, drunken grandparents and pregnant brides

If you ask a wedding photographer to define the phrase ‘dysfunctional family’ I think you would get something like this: “well first, each set of parents has to be divorced. The mother will be remarried and the father will be dating a 20-something-year-old with a fake tan and other unmentionable fake parts. The mother of the groom does not get along with the father of the groom anymore - the last time they were together she sucker punched him in the beer belly. There has to be at least five children out of wedlock between the bride and groom. The bride is currently six months pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s third child. That is the definition of ‘dysfunctional family.’”

Dysfunctional families were the norm at the photography studio I worked at for two years. Every week I would consult with that weekend’s bride about the family situation in order to get a count on the number of family photos we would have to live through. After the consultation, I would spend a couple tedious hours creating the checklist before I would need hard liquor.

After working there, I learned to value my functional family. Sure we have a couple crazies here and there, but we hide them under the rug. However, some families don’t know how to hide their dysfunction.

My TMI (Too Much Information) bride told me her stepmom was a porn star and her 13-year-old sister was pregnant. The NEI (Not Enough Information) bride forgot to tell me her dad’s new wife had four children, none of which got along with each other so they all had to be photographed with the family separately.

Thanks to dysfunctional families, many couples were forced into bigger wedding packages. If there was one divorce it added at least 15 photos. Combine biological Mom and Dad, then biological Mom and stepdad, then biological Dad and Dad’s girlfriend, and then some without Dad’s girlfriend because she’s just a tramp and no one likes her so we are just including her to be nice but we really aren’t going to buy those photos. If there were any children from the bride and groom that added at least more 10 photos. My favorite bride and groom had two children, each from other relationships, one child together and another one on the way (six weeks away from giving birth).

The day of the wedding was different. I absolutely loved the weddings where the wedding party, including the dysfunctional parents and grandparents, would get completely schnockered before photos. This was my boss’ worst nightmare but I loved it. Being tipsy made everyone so much easier to work with. Granted, I had to physically help the ladies and gentlemen up to the alter, but after that they didn’t go anywhere. They already had a dumb smile on their face from the alcohol, so I didn’t have to make lame jokes about the groomsmen to get anyone to smile.

So if you’re planning a wedding remember this - while you’re running around to the florist, DJ and caterer, make sure you stop by and tell the wedding photographer how dysfunctional your family is. The photographer will act as though a stepmom who is a porn star and fighting parents are everyday news. Well, let’s face it; dysfunctional families are everyday news in the wedding photography business.

Kiss

Because of Dr. H’s comments on the band Kiss the last couple of weeks, I want to share my opinion on the band. (Warning Dr. H: you will hate this post)

Last week we talked about a concert review from the Des Moines Register that was written in the 1970s. The reviewer went to a Kiss concert with an opening act of Johnny Cougar. The reviewer couldn’t say enough good things about that Johnny Cougar and mentioned Kiss as the same old, same old. To quote the reviewer (Irv Canfield), “but o! That Johnny Cougar!”

Now on occasion I have listened to a Johnny Cougar song but I have to say, I have seen his act before. Hundreds of music artists out there are just like Johnny Cougar. They claim to be as ‘American as apple pie and baseball.’ Kiss’s image is something no other band can even attempt to mirror.

What other band do you know that can paint their faces white, wear crazy costumes and 12 inch platform shoes? I dare you to name one. I’ll let you think for a minute.










Couldn’t think of one? Thought so.

When I was 16, my best friend and I drove to Denver and spend $200 to see a Kiss, Aerosmith and Saliva concert. I’ve been to my fair share of concerts over the years (for those of you who know me really well, not all of the concerts have been country thank you very much) but none of them can compare to that concert. Without a hesitation in my mind I can say that was the best concert I have ever attended.

At only 16, I knew I was seeing legendary bands with reputations bigger than I could ever imagine. The atmosphere was incredible with thousands of face-painted crazy fans, pyrotechnics to boot and enough adrenaline to keep us rockin’ n’ rollin’ all night (excuse the pun on words and if you don’t get that, go listen to Kiss and then come back and read the rest).

As Irv Canfield put in his review of Kiss, “they (Kiss) are not rock n’ roll, but an obscure music form known as ‘Trend-ola.’” I beg to differ. If Kiss was ‘trendy’ in the 1970s, why do thousands of people become fans of Kiss even today? Why are they still popular with the younger generations?

I don’t think Dr. H knew there was such a big Kiss fan sitting in his class when he spouted off his opinion. I sing like crazy along to Kiss and wear a Kiss concert t-shirt to bed. No offense Dr. H, our musical tastes are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Cell phones and hammers link

Here is the article of the 13-year-old who jacked up her cell phone bill.

Cell phones and hammers

I love this story.

A 13-year-old in Wyoming ran up her monthly cell phone bill to about $5,000 by texting. (Was she doing it in church? See previous post….hehe) Her dad received the bill and then smashed her cell phone with a hammer. I have one thing to say: Way to go Dad!

Wait, maybe not.

Why did he give a 13-year-old a phone? I didn’t get a phone until I was 16, and even then I had to pay for my own minutes.

I think it should be a federal law that anyone under 18-years-old who wants a phone should have to pay for it. Wait, make that ANYONE who wants a phone should have to pay for it themselves; it’s only fair.

It sickens me when I hear college students say, ‘oh I don’t care how many texts I send because my parents pay for my phone anyway.’ I have a good friend, who is almost 30, who has never once paid his cell phone bill. His parents, well into their 60s, still pay his cell phone bill.

Ugh.

Paying your own cell phone bill teaches responsibility that no other bill paying can. In a way, you can control how much your phone will be every month, unlike your electric, gas or water bills. Texts or no texts? Nights starting at 7 p.m. or 9 p.m.?

The moral of the story is this: if the 13-year-old was paying her own cell phone bill she wouldn’t have ran up her bill to almost $5,000.

A sad consolidation

My husband graduated from high school in a class of 9 students. He played 6-man football for three years with some of his best friends. He cracked three ribs during a practice, thanks to his older brother.

Recently, my husband’s old high school, McPherson County High School in Tryon, decided to consolidate sports with Stapleton High School. To me, this consolidation is heartbreaking. It means the end of 6-man football, and the beginning of 8-man football for McPherson County boys-something the school has done only one time.

To go along with this consolidation are new buses and vans to transport student athletes the 25 miles to Stapleton. No games, practices or sports related meetings will ever be held at the Home of the Longhorns (McPherson Co.).

Some Tryon natives say this is the beginning of the end. Sports will go first and then everything else. Others say this is a blessing in disguise. Once a school consolidates, students are able to meet more people and have better access to educational tools (‘smart’ classrooms, computers, etc).

Although there are mixed feeling in Tryon about the consolidation, one thing remains the same. As long as the windmill turns, the people of McPherson County will always be Longhorns.

Here is the link to the previous post about the church that is letting their members text.

Texting God...or not.

Her boney hands were covered in sterling silver mood rings. She sported a trendy lime green nail polish on her fingertips. She quickly texted, “I miss u 2 huny, happy estr” half under her leg, half on the church bench.

I could hardly believe what I was watching and reading. A young girl, probably about 15 years old, was sneaking text messages during an Easter Sunday church service. I heard the dull vibrating sound of her Blackberry during the processional, the readings, the homily and communion. She would glance down the church bench at her mother, grandmother and older sister to make sure they weren’t watching before she would nonchalantly sneak her phone out of her skirt pocket.

Usually text messagers don’t bother me. However, there is a time and a place for text messaging. Place #1 that you don’t text, other than your car, is in church. Unless she was texting God, which I highly doubt - the last time I checked he didn’t have the text messaging capabilities – she should have put her phone away for an hour.

But, after a simple search of ‘texting in church’ on Yahoo, I discovered a church that is allowing parishioners to text the pastor while giving his sermon. They can ask any burning questions they have about apostles, commandments, or what have you. I can already see my text appearing on his cell phone, ‘hey padre, turn up your mic. I can’t hear you in the back. also, tell the screaming baby’s mother to take said screaming baby outside.’

One of many problems I see with texting the pastor is the signature some people have on their text messages. Even though mine is the simple, yet sophisticated, ‘-Sarah Mulder,’ some texters have signatures of ‘~*bAbY dOlL 09*~’ or ‘sexy cowboy.’ I don’t think the pastor of your church needs to know you are someone’s baby doll or sexy cowboy.

The point is, let go of your cell phones for an hour if you are going to church. It’s the one hour where you sit in a hard wooden bench and listen to someone else talk. I’m pretty sure the pastor of your church is more insightful than your ‘sexy cowboy’ or ‘~*bAbY dOlL*~.’

All is fair in love and....

Warning! If don’t want to be tackled, wrestled to the ground or have a bloody nose I advise you not to participate in any Easter egg hunt involving my family.
Egg hunts at my house are not safe play. In fact, my family’s egg hunts are the exact opposite of traditional egg hunts. Instead of neatly groomed children skipping happily across a green lawn, my family dresses in ripped jeans, old sweatshirts and we tackle each other down across a cow pie infested pasture. My family rolls with laughter at the thought of a traditional egg hunt.
It doesn’t surprise me that egg hunts are competitive in my family. For my Dad’s 50th birthday party we went paintballing. I put war paint on my face and fake tattoos on my tiny biceps. I wore a doo rag and made my brother-in-law scream like a girl after I shoot him in his unmentionables.
My family has no concept of ‘just be nice to your brother/sister/cousin/smelly uncle Fester because it’s the holidays.’ We live by no such code. If our mission is to collect the most eggs, we will collect the most eggs and take down anyone who tries to cross us.
But what is it about cheap plastic eggs that come in a 12-pack for $1.98 that make my family so wild? Do they hold some kind of magical power over us? No. Plastic replicas of chicken excrements hold no magical powers.
Or do they?
As my Grandma says, “put a little money in ‘em and you kids go off your rockers.” The eggs may not hold the hold the abracadabra magic, but they do hold the shiny, round, George Washington’s bust type magic.
I once found $13 worth of magic during an egg hunt. But that was only after I was tackled by a cousin twice my size.
Now that I’m older, and I claim to be more mature, I have retired my egg hunting basket. I fill eggs full of chocolate surprises, jelly beans and the occasional George Washington magic now. However, the competitive spirit of egg hunting is still alive and strong in this hen.
While filling eggs one evening I challenged my husband with, “I bet I can fill more than you can.” He responded with, “I bet you can.”
Where’s the competitive spirit when you need one?
However, it’s his laid back attitude that helps our marriage survive. If he would have said, “ok, let’s make a bet,” I would have chucked all his eggs out the window so I could have won. In short, I wouldn’t be able to survive a marriage with someone as competitive as myself.
I don’t even know how my husband tolerates my daily challenges to him. He not only tolerates them, but he still lets me play. If I say, “first one to the couch wins,” he will steer clear out of my way so he doesn’t become road kill in my beeline for the couch.
My husband is a good egg. He may not have George Washington magic in the middle of him, but he is a good egg nonetheless.
It’s nothing short of a miracle that my competitive spirit hasn’t worn off on my husband yet. I know if I participated in an egg hunt this year I wouldn’t have to worry about cousins who are twice my size. I know I would dominate an egg hunt today because all is fair in love and Easter eggs.

Mall Cop

For my second column due this week I think I will tackle a movie review. I saw Mall Cop this weekend and to be totally honest I was not impressed. I read a handful of reviews after I saw the movie and they praised this 87-minute comedy like it was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I think the humor in the movie was targeted to a much younger crowd. By that I mean 7-year-old girls. A birthday party of ten 7 year olds sat in front of my husband and I in the theatre and did nothing but giggle at every slightly funny line. I was not amused. I think I laughed once to every 15 of their laughs. Mall Cop was one of those movies where all the slightly funny parts were shown in the previews so the movie was a big disappointment. Stay tuned for my review! (and if you loved the movie you may not want to read it)

Leave them alone? I think not.

As many have already heard, a Creighton, Neb. family went missing a couple weeks ago. No one knows why they escaped to the Black Hills but now they are just camping out up there. Where are the authorities? They backed of their search because the family wants to be left alone.

Now I am just fine if a family all agrees to live like hermits in the Black Hills. I have absolutely no problem with that. However, the day before the family escaped, the parents were both interviewed by authorities on abuse charges. But since the father of the family told his dad that they just want to be left alone, the authorities are going to respect that wish.

I’m sorry, excuse me? There are two children, both under 12 years old who are in danger. No, the parents may not be abusive but if there was a slight risk that they could be (enough to be interviewed by authorities) isn’t that enough of a risk? The children can only defend themselves to a certain point if something were to happen.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling this will turn into a case of ‘we should have.’ The authorities will be saying ‘we should have looked for them harder; we shouldn’t have given up.’ Hopefully I am wrong.

I don’t believe the authorities should have backed off their search. Two children could possibly be in danger. I know the father said they just wanted to be left alone but what is more important: someone’s word or a child’s life?

Litter in my lawn

Don’t you dare drop that paper cup, fast food bag, candy bar wrapper, empty bottle of water or receipt on the ground because it will all end up in my yard at some point in time.

Living behind a 24-hour grocery store I always have access to my favorite pastime – food. However, living behind a grocery store also has disadvantages. Besides smelling fried chicken from the deli 24/7, I also get a multitude of trash that all floats over to my yard.

This isn’t just trash from the grocery store though. This is fast food wrappers, newspapers, drink cups – anything and everything people toss out their car windows.

The trash then floats over to my yard, thanks to the brisk Nebraska wind. The trash gets caught in the mower, gets stuck to my shoes and scares the living daylights out of my cat when it rustles by the windows.

When I drag out the mower in a month or so I will have to sweep the yard for trash. Everybody else’s trash.

Now I’m not usually a stickler when it comes to things like this. In fact, I don’t even care if a dog poops on my lawn – I just think of that as fertilizer. However, the trash from other people cannot be used as fertilizer so therefore it makes me angry.

Because I have spent countless hours outside cleaning up after other careless people I ask everyone one thing. Hang on to your paper cup, fast food bag, candy bar wrapper, empty bottle of water and receipt until you get home. Trash cans are 97 cents. Buy one and use it.

Sunshine Cleaning review

I had a hard time coming across a review I actually liked and understood (I didn't want to bash a writer's review, go figure). A lot of them I read had larger words, that to be honest, I just didn't know what they meant. The reviews I read were also so technical with plots and subplots I got lost midway through.

So I settled on a review I actually read all the way through and at the end I wasn't asking, 'what the hell did that mean?' The review is from the Miami Herald and it was written by Connie Ogle. The movie of choice? Sunshine Cleaning.

Sunshine Cleaning was not a movie I planned on seeing because the previews for it didn't look all that great. However, after reading the review, I might actually see this. The writer does a great job of 'dumbing down' her review to the average reader. You don't have to be a movie buff, or even watch movies at all, to understand her writing. Her style of writing was very easy to follow.

The movie is about two sisters who work together at a biohazard removal company after one of the sisters' kids is kicked out of public school. The one sister must work at this job (it pays big money) so she can send her kid to a private school.

I've heard that gross, gory stuff sells and this review sold me. It didn't hold back on the gory details of the biohazard removal job ('lugging a blood and/or body fluid-soaked mattress around by yourself is no picnic'). However, it did not overload me and make me say, 'eww thats gross.' It was just the right amount of gross.

The review also didn't reveal the whole plot, which I really liked. It gave just enough plot away to get me hooked and then left me hanging. Now, in order to find out what happens, I have to go see the movie. This, I believe, is the job of a reviewer-to get you to see/read/experience what they are reviewing.

Cool video

So I tried to upload a video but I must not be smarter than my computer. Anway, here is a link to a really cool video about how fast technology is changing. It is really interesting and has some thought provoking stats! Check it out!